Satisfied By Love...Day 24

There was a moment last night that filled my eyes with tears and my heart with joy and hope.

The community was gathered for an evening of worship.  Different denominations in the same building for the purpose of remembering Christ and giving thanks.  I imagine some were participants at churches where you listen mostly and speak when signaled while others came from a place where you dance and respond often and freely.  And there we were, all together.  Worshipping the one that gives us all a common purpose.

We were in the back row reserved for parents with little ones so the whole congregation was before us.  Our little one was on my hip taking it in.  As we sang hands began to raise high and there, in the back row, my sweet little girl lifted her arms as high as she could hold them.  And my vision blurred.

Did she know why people were raising their hands?  Probably not.  But the hope, the joy, came from knowing that she is living a life surrounded often by people who love and serve the living God.  People who aren't afraid to raise their hands in praise to Him.  People who don't stand on tradition or find pride in being right but willingly join together and love one another as we are called to do.    She is surrounded by people with real faith that is part of their daily life.  And when she sees that, I am hopeful that her desire will be to know Him too.

So this thanksgiving I'm thankful that there are people in my daughter's life who love, serve, and follow Christ.  If you are one of them, thank you for being an example to her each time you say yes to Him.  That at a young age she may be satisfied by His love extended through you and choose to follow Him too.

Lord, one day when she raises her hands, may she know that you are the one she was made to worship.  Thank you for the people in her life who have chosen to follow you daily and who live as an example to her.  Would you encourage them in their walk with you and remind them that even the smallest things they do matter in your kingdom.  
And thank you for all the different family you give us.  The people I sat with in that sanctuary last night are as much my family as the people I will eat dinner with this afternoon.  I pray that those who are lonely today might see the family you have placed around them and know they are not forgotten.


I wonder if that's you today?  If your heart is hurting because of broken relationships or loved ones lost, know that I am praying that God would be the one to satisfy your heart, and that he would bring people into your life that will bring love and encouragement and hope.  That you would know that you are not alone.  You are loved.  You are remembered.  And maybe you could find someone else today who needs to hear that too...

Satisfied By Love...Day 22

She sat there this morning in her space-saving high chair at the stained and scratched wood table.

A bowl of yogurt and applesauce, some oatmeal with milk, and a few crumbs of egg bake.

And her baby.

This little one loves to carry a little one with her.

She raises the spoon to the baby's rosy lips so she can have a bite of warm oats.

She rocks her back and forth and says, "I love it."

With a wet cloth she wipes away the leftovers from the baby's mouth.

And I am satisfied.  Because I think that God's love in me is showing her how to love.

Thank You, Lord.  May I continue to lead her as I follow you.

Satisfied By Love...Day 13

Yesterday was spent sitting or laying or leaning against the couch with my little girl on my lap or laying over my shoulder.  Funny how all her growing pains are exactly what's taking her away from that one place she really wants to be when her body is hurting.  She changes overnight sometimes.

Today has been much of the same.  Sitting, laying, playing sometimes, and watching a lot of Veggie Tales.  Who knew that God would remind me of something so important while watching armless talking vegetables?

So there was Jonah the asparagus listening to God tell him what to do and God told him to go to Ninevah.  Jonah said no thanks and promptly moved in the exact opposite direction.

Ouch.  How many times have I done that?

And then he goes on a trip with those lazy pirates who don't do anything, a storm comes, he offers to jump off the boat in his rubber duck floaty and swim cap, and gets swallowed up (along with his traveling buddy the half caterpillar half worm) by a giant fish.

I read about this not too long ago in What Women Fear by Angie Smith.  She talks about how that giant fish was God's way of rescuing Jonah.  I'm not sure I often think about the hardest or scariest pieces of my life as a rescue.  To me they always feel like an obstacle or a test.  But God gave Jonah that fish and offered him the opportunity to turn back to Him and to choose the right direction.  He gave Jonah time for a change of heart and eyes to see God's power.

I can understand why Jonah didn't want to take a message of repentance and mercy to the Ninevites.  But Jonah didn't miss out only on extending God's grace to them, he was missing out on God's grace and work in his own life.

Oh that flesh!  Making choices we know will lead us away from where God wants us to be is so difficult at times.  But there was no rest for Jonah when he made that choice.  The rest and the connection to God came when he was obedient.  God blesses that obedience.  I know that's when I feel like I'm in step with Him-when I obey His commands in His word as well as His direction in my life.

And so why do I run the other way?  Still looking to be satisfied by this world.  By things I can see.

Father, satisfy me with You love today.  That I would seek you and respond to Your Spirit instead of the flesh.  To accept Your direction and to walk in it with confidence that good will come from it-however hard it may seem.  

Satisfied By Love...Day 8

My thoughts are jumbled today.  Not bad, not good, just messy.  It makes me want to grab a box of crackers, head for the the couch, and zone out.  Stop thinking.

But I'm not hungry for crackers.  I've been down that road and believe me a whole box of Chicken in a Buiscuit doesn't lead anywhere good.  What I really want is a quiet mind, stilled thoughts, answers.  None of which can be found in the bottom of a box among the crumbs.

I'm thinking about:
How to show love to a friend who gives all of hers away
Desire to move to a new home so we can live among our church community
Comfort in the home we've made and not wanting to leave it
Perhaps having turned a corner of stay-at-home-motherhood and no longer feeling so overwhelmed at the thought of creating meals for our family and how the act of doing that-chopping, slicing, browning-keeps my mind from drifting to food (ironic I suppose).
How I want to write and would love to bring income into our home through it but I don't know how to write that way.  Am I brave enough to learn?
How my mornings are filled with things that make me wonder if Anna's memories will be of the two of us together or the two of us parting ways as I drop her off somewhere.
To name a few...

What does He say?

Psalm 107:9 "For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things."  Similar to yesterday, I know.  It would appear that the Psalmist is confident in this one.

Or, maybe he isn't and that's why the repetition?  Speaking truth to himself and soaking it in?

We are a home of longing souls right now.  Uncomfortable where we are, waiting for what's next, wondering what gifts we have that God might use for His sake.  Full of questions and waiting.

And He does fill us with good things, every day.  So I can bring my mess of jumbled thoughts to Him and trust that those too will be turned into something good...

Father, when my thoughts are a mess, thank You that You can quiet my mind and slow my heart.  That I can trust You to satisfy my hunger and fill my longings with what You know to be best.  All You give is good.  Satisfy me with Your love today...

Mothers And Daughters...

I am the mom of an almost 2-year-old daughter.  Have I mentioned that before? :)

This little girl loves to...
say hi to perfect strangers
give "moochies" to her favorite people
be talked to and loved on
wear beautiful dresses (which could be pants, shirts, sweaters, or actual dresses)
splash in the water
eat...especially chocolate
help with dishes and laundry and cooking
visit with friends
make conversation
dance

And I have the potential to squash it all.  To create insecurities in her that quench all of these desires.  One of these could be a gift that leads her to know God's calling in her life in a deeper way.

In So Long Insecurity another mom makes a comment when she finds out she is going to have a daughter of her own: "A girl.  A girl.  Oh, man.  I'm going to have to deal with some of my stuff."

When I knew we were having a girl one of the first things that occurred to me was to ask my husband to call me on looking at myself in the mirror or standing in front of my closet complaining about my weight or any other physical aspect of myself.  I don't want her to grow up with a mom constantly talking about her weight or her dieting plans or her flabby arms or her too-big thighs or too small behind (though I've never found myself complaining about that one).  I want her to grow up healthy and to think less about how she looks according to this world and more about the condition of her heart.

I don't want her to do an art project that receives praise from many people but criticism from few, and cling to the few.

I don't want her to celebrate every milestone in life by going out to eat and nursing every wound by doing the same.  I don't want her emotions to be tied to food.

I don't want to criticize her every time she tries to help me with something so that she learns to despise keeping a home.

And I don't want her looking for love or acceptance in dark traps because the light wasn't on here with us.

"We must ask Him to bring forth the women in us that we didn't even know we were-women of substance and confidence..."
(Beth Moore)

This is what I want.  To be this example for my daughter.  Not of perfection because I want her to learn honesty.  But when I do struggle I want her to know there is only One who can truly meet my needs, and hers.  To know that our confidence, our hope, our help, our security, our significance comes from Christ alone. Because we are both the daughters of the King.

I am so grateful for a husband who gives our child a loving vision of a father.  That his actions inside and outside our home would lead her toward Jesus.   But he isn't perfect either.  And she'll know that one day.  And I pray she will turn to the One who is.

I simply want  her to love God and to delight in His Word.  If she does the truth will be hidden in her always and when lies are fired at her she will be able to shield herself in the battle and retreat to safety when she needs rest.

Lord, make me a woman of substance and confidence, strength and dignity.  A woman who sets a good example for her daughter and any other young ladies that I might influence.  And please, may this sweet little girl you have placed in our home find her identity in You.

God's Eye View...

"From were I was sitting I could see all of their words along with everyone else's, but they didn't have the benefit of that viewpoint.  Just their own keyboard and the hope that they wouldn't be judged by the contents of the message they wrote.  It's a microcosm of what the Lord must see every day as He watches His daughters walk through life without seeing the hearts of the women around them."
What Women Fear by Angie Smith

Angie is talking here about women who have communicated to her their fear of being "found out."  Their marriage is a wreck, they have a prodigal child, they harbor anger, they aren't sure of their salvation, etc. Things they can't imagine other people being able to love and support them through.

The quote above created this image in my mind:  The women of this world wandering, lonely, keeping to themselves, eyes to the ground.  And God seeing us all at the same time with a sorrow-filled face.

This is not what we were created for.  We were created for love.  For relationship.  For community.  For growth.  For victory.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God...In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him...Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
1 John 4:7, 9, 11, 12 

And when we wander around keeping to ourselves pretending we are something we aren't, Satan wins.  When we think about how others might see us and become trapped in fear so that our sin, our shame, our sorrow is hidden deeper and deeper, he wins.  And we aren't living.

When my sweet baby girl came home with us, the sweet seemed to stay at the hospital.  I thought she may be the end of me.  My imagination had created this peaceful picture of motherhood and what it would be like to feed her and rock her during the quiet snowy first months of her life.  It was a shockingly difficult transition for me full of shame and feeling like a failure.  Hiding it worked for a while from everyone but my husband, but eventually I broke.  Emotion and frustration got the best of me and I began sharing my experience with other newer mom friends.  It turned out many had a similar story!  Why didn't anyone tell me how hard it might be?!  Since then I have decided to share those dark moments honestly.  When friends are heading toward the journey of motherhood they know what it was like for me.  My desire is to simply let them know that if they end up in that difficult place, they are not alone.

Love among women in community is a choice resulting in healing and victory. You may not want to share your story with me, but if I share mine you might be a little less ashamed, a bit relieved, and you may find freedom in knowing you are not alone.  You're not alone anyway.  God is there in the struggle with you always.  But sometimes it's nice to have a hand to hold.  A heart to weep with.  A listening love-filled face across from you.

So when you think of the woman sitting three rows ahead of you in church and she looks like she has it all together and you think you could never be together enough to be her friend...what if everyone thinks that and she has no close friends at all?  How lonely.  Maybe you could be the first to volunteer?  To love?

When your super bubbly and outgoing friend is crazy busy and you feel like she has no time for you, maybe it's time to grab a cup of cocoa, slow her down and ask her how she's doing...really.

And when YOU are overflowing with _____________________ maybe it's time for you to initiate a conversation, let someone listen, pray with you, and love you through it.  Wouldn't you do that for someone else?  They'll do it for you too.

Be love today and be loved today.  It's what we're here for.  What we're made for.  Not to compete.  Not to present ourselves well.  But to love and to be loved.  Because He loves you, me, and all the other wandering women in this world here and now.

I pray every day that my daughter would be someone who recognizes needs in other people and shows compassion.  She's almost two and my husband and I see it in her already.  She's not afraid of looking silly as she walks around Target with a hat from a shelf saying, "Hat!  I like it!"  And people laugh and smile and chat with her.  She walks up to folks, smiles at them, waves, says hi.  For someone that might be the first time today they were even acknowledged and to her they are the most important person in the world in that moment.  Maybe we should all be praying to do that more.

Oh Lord, I pray that we would recognize those women around us in need.  That we would remember none of us have it all together.  That we wouldn't be driven to compete with each other.  That we wouldn't let Satan win by thinking that no one would love us if they really knew us.  Teach us how to love, for this is your will...

Stopping To Say Thank You...

My daughter and I were toddling along the library sidewalk on a warm golden Fall day recently.  She was taking in the scenery: her feet tapping the sidewalk, the rocks to our left, the doors ahead of us, the leaves falling all around us at a steady pace, the cars pulling into the parking lot behind us. And then, in what seemed to me to be a random thought she said...

"Ake yew Mama."  Translation: Thank you Mama.  In three months she will be two years old.

I wondered...what is she thanking me for?  Bringing her to the library?  Holding her hand as we walked?  Keeping in step with her teeny tiny pink velcrow tennis shoes?  Or maybe she just likes the feel of the new words crossing her lips.

And my thoughts turned to the One who holds my hand.  Do I stop, in the middle of nothing, to say thank you?

Maybe she was simply basking in the wonder of what was around her.  The rocks that make that clacking sound she likes when she throws one on top of another. Those shoes she loves to wear now that she can walk in them.  The door she finally has enough balance to help open.  That sound she hears from the leaves that makes her say, "cwunchy weaf".  And maybe she didn't know who else to thank so she thanked me.

Lord, as I take care of this little one for You, I ask for wisdom to teach her naturally worshipping heart to worship You, and to thank You for the good gifts she sees every day.  

I count my own gifts from you today...
#55 Moments that seem to be nothing and turn into life lessons
#56 A child who seems to be amazed by your creation all day long.  She reminds me to be amazed too.
#57 A cool-ish head in an emergency
#58 For keeping Anna breathing as I drove her to the doctor
#59 For a husband who extends grace over and over
#60 Hot dogs on the grill
#61  Body Step and Roxie
#62 The return to Fall after a week of Summer in October
#63 A quiet night at home
Thank you, Lord, for these...

Worst Mom Moment...

Today was it so far.  I know more will come and that I can't condemn myself for my mistakes, but there is a thread of guilt hanging on to me.

My husband has a peanut sensitivity.  Because of that we are not suppose to give our daughter peanuts until she is at least four.  Today, without even thinking about it, I gave my two-year-old a bite of a peanut butter cookie.  Within an hour I was driving down Main Street with a coughing toddler covered in a rash from neck to knee.

I came home with a tired girl, a couple of epipens, and some de-rashing medication.

The afternoon seemed to be much more traumatic for me than for her.  She was playing while I was preparing a bag for the clinic, she was pointing to the trees out the window while I was praying she'd keep breathing, and she was exploring the doctor's office while I tried to concentrate on filling out forms and watching the spreading rash and swollen eyelids.

It won't be the last moment that makes me feel like a terrible mother.  I am so thankful that in those moments I can call on God, the one who brings peace in chaos and moments that seem like emergencies.  The one who lets me focus on what's important in those moments where there is so much to think about.  The one that keeps me from fear when I need to keep moving forward.  I am thankful he did that for me today.  I am thankful that my little one is resting peacefully right now.  I am thankful that tomorrow is a new day, and even with its mistakes we will learn and grow together.  I am thankful that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus and I am as loved now as I was when I woke up this morning.

First Steps...

First steps.  That's what she took today.  The first time she walked to me from someone else's arms.

And where will they lead?  I know she is not ours.  Just visiting.  And when she has learned all she can here, God will take her someplace new. Maybe down the road, maybe a new city, state, country...

Our prayers for here are these:
That she would love God and find her identity in Christ alone as she grows.
That she would love people and be compassionate towards them, recognizing the needs of others.
That she would not be drawn to rebellion but find delight in obeying His Word.
That He would use her mightily for his kingdom.

The last piece is the scariest prayer I pray. I don't know what it will mean for this little toddler who hasn't ever been able to take her own steps until today.  But I know that God works for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purposes.  She is here, and so she has purpose.  Wherever he leads her, he is there with her.  And I will love from here, and pray from here, and cheer for every step as I have today.

Lord, when you call this little one to something new, I pray we will be willing to let go.  When she hears your voice, may we listen too, and never become a barrier to serving you.  She is yours.  She is only with us for a time.  Oh Lord, use her mightily for your kingdom, that others may know you because she is here.

Remembering To Give Thanks...

One of those days.  A wake up at 5:30 to a coughing toddler who doesn't nap the whole day and all afternoon needs every ounce of comfort I can offer day.  My eyes droop.  My mind seems to still.  Is it really quiet here now?  I feel done.  The only way out is to give thanks:

#22-#36
for caramel apple candles and vanilla candles and sugar cookie candles
for a pot of homemade applesauce
for Christ who is here with us
for the temporary-ness of teething
for a toyless living room floor for now
for a friendly voice on the phone
for dinner with my husband and daughter
for dishes done by his strong hands and servant heart
for pancake night
for the almost two-year-old voice that says "cake?"
for those fall tastes of cinnamon, cloves, squash, apples
for steps closer to walking
for arms flailing in wind
for the coolness of this day
for my date night that begins in three minutes :)

and I see that this day is filled with gifts from His hand.  My heart lightens.  Tomorrow is a new day and whatever happens, it is a gift.  Thank you Father.

Abundance In The Light...

I stay at home with my daughter.  She is so precious.

And funny.

And sweet.

And quick to learn.

And quick to copy.  She copies me.  Talk about accountability.

And while I know that spending time with her is significant I can't help feeling like I'm missing out.  As Josh participates in our church's venture to live out the work of faith in our community this week, I am sitting at home with our daughter.  Feeling like I'm uninvolved.  Not doing my part.  A new season in life for me not being able to go wherever there is a need.

In Just Give Me Jesus today Anne suggests that Nicodemus is looking "...for real life.  Eternal life.  Abundant life," in John 3:1-21.

Is that what I'm still looking for?

Haven't I been born again?  But maybe, like the Israelites, I've taken my eyes off of Jesus and placed them in those familiar places of circumstance,  shortcomings,  of my own ideas of what life should look like.

What, then, does real and abundant and eternal life look like for me today?  If I turn my eyes, my heart, my hands up, what can I see but Jesus and all that he's given?

In chapter 4 verse 21 of John, Jesus says, "But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God."

Do the truth.  Things that can only be done in the light.  Maybe that's all I do today.  Set an example for my mirror-child in the light that she too might live in it and reflect it to others as she grows.  Hasn't he given her to us?  And don't I fill a need by teaching her how to live in the light?  So maybe I'm not missing out and maybe I am doing my part.  Or perhaps definitely.

Then Lord, today, in the hours that are left, let my deeds be done in you, to do the truth and love the light.

New Seasons...

I stay at home with my daughter.  She is so precious.
And funny.
And sweet.
And quick to learn.
And quick to copy.  She copies me.  Talk about accountability.

And while I know that spending time with her is significant I can't help feeling like I'm missing out.  As Josh participates in our church's venture to live out the work of faith in our community this week, I am sitting at home with our daughter.  Feeling like I'm uninvolved.  Not doing my part.  A new season in life for me not being able to go wherever there is a need.

In Just Give Me Jesus today Anne suggests that Nicodemus is looking "...for real life.  Eternal life.  Abundant life," in John 3:1-21.  Is that what I'm still looking for?

Haven't I been born again?  But maybe, like the Israelites, I've taken my eyes off of Jesus and placed them in those familiar places of circumstance,  shortcomings,  of my own ideas of what life should look like.

What, then, does real and abundant and eternal life look like for me today?  If I turn my eyes, my heart, my hands up, what can I see but Jesus and all that he's given?

In chapter 4 verse 21 of John, Jesus says, "But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God."

Do the truth.  Things that can only be done in the light.  Maybe that's all I do today.  Set an example for my mirror-child in the light that she too might live in it and reflect it to others as she grows.  Hasn't he given her to us?  And don't I fill a need by teaching her how to live in the light?  So maybe I'm not missing out and maybe I am doing my part.  Or perhaps definitely.

Then Lord, today, in the hours that are left, let my deeds be done in you, to do the truth and love the light.

Because Christ Lives in Him

He sat there eating his banana and almond butter-he's allergic to peanut butter, sort of.  The picture of patience, grace, waiting, thoughtfulness.  This man, making me see Christ in my home.  He makes me want to be more for the sake of the Kingdom, and for our family, for him.

Rewind to his return from a day of landscaping...hearing our daughter screaming from the stairwell he opened the door bringing a smile with fatherly words.  Asking if I needed help with the Farmer's Market veggies covering the counter in preparation for dinner.  Changing one of the stinkiest diapers in the history of stinky diapers.  Offering to wash the dishes.  Listening to our little one screaming from her crib at bedtime after a long day of teething and stumbling and growing.

I sat next to the bookshelf stacking the living room mess, excusing my behavior in my own mind.  It was a long day.  It was a whiney day.  It was an exhausting day.  It was a sore back day.  That's why I replied with a sarcastic and angry tone when he suggested I let her cry a while as she lay in bed.  I believe my exact words were, "Does it look like I'm going in there?"

And he just sat there at the table.  No argument.  No looks.  No sighing or grumbling.  Quietness.  Waiting for me.  If he had used words he couldn't say he loved me better at that moment.

I stood in the bathroom knowing I acted like an idiot.  Yes it was a long day for me.  What about him?  No matter how trying, he is here.  Loving.  Serving.  Paying attention.  Helping.  Providing.  Encouraging.  I walked out with a smile on my face knowing forgiveness was already there for me, but knowing it still needed to be said.  "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have yelled at you.  I love you."  He looked in my eyes and smiled.  And what two years ago would have turned into a day, two days...of ignoring, pretending, avoiding, became a sweet moment for us.  And we could enjoy our evening together not wasting it on pride.

How did I get here?  With him?  Who else could love me like he does?  Love me through what he loves me through?  Only Christ.  And because Christ lives in him, this man can love me like he does.  And all I can say is thank you.

Those Days...

I knew these days would come in motherhood...a load in the dryer, a load in the washer, a load of dishes waiting, no shower yet, cleaned up poop in the bathtub and then cleaned the bathtub and then cleaned the child waiting naked on the floor...

and I said thank you.  That I have clothes and a washer and dryer.  That I have a bathtub and running water.  That I have a child that is healthy and can sit and splash and play-among other things-in the bathtub.

And when I do that I know I am carrying out God's will.  He says, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  So much time spent wondering what God's will is for me.  What my purpose is.  Today I know it is these words from 1 Thessalonians.  I can do the same thing tomorrow and know I am carrying out God's will for me and my purpose for him.

See Me

Yesterday, my daughter, just over a year old, sat next to me during a Bible study with a small group of women.  I was looking through my workbook which she placed her hand on, bending her face down close to the page I was reading as if to say, "See me, mama."  What a precious moment that became in my mind instantly.  To see her sweet smile and shining eyes wanting a moment of love.

Ironically we were discussing Hagar who called on God with the name: "You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees; for she said, 'Have I also seen Him who sees me?'"  She needed a moment of love, of sight from God.

How must she have felt?  A maidservant, used as a means of bringing children to her master's family?  Treated harshly by her mistress.  Hard to blame her for fleeing.

But the Lord saw her,  knew exactly where she was in body and in spirit.  She only needed a moment with Him and she was able to return and submit to her mistress once again, knowing that God saw her, knew where she was, and new what would be.  As he does for all of us.

My sweet child only needed that moment from me and her attention was again drawn to the toys placed to occupy her as we studied.   I saw her.  That was enough.  God saw Hagar.  That was enough.

For more of Hagar's story head to Genesis 16