Love...

Peter denied Jesus three times.  And later, he told him he loved him three times.

For a while now I've had a hard time doing that.  Not because I don't love him, but because I wonder if I really show him that I do.  When you've lived life for yourself and you've failed and fallen countless times isn't it hard to come face to face with the one you feel you've disappointed most?  To ask for grace and forgiveness?  How do you say I love you to someone who took up a cross for you that you aren't willing to carry yourself?

Agape.  The word Jesus was using.  Phileo.  The word Peter used in response.  Agape is a devoted love, phileo is a brotherly love.

I am sad to say that I read the final chapter of Just Give Me Jesus today, but what a powerful and freeing chapter it was for this heart so weary of feeling like I can't live well enough to say, "Jesus, I love you."  Anne says,  "...maybe his (Peter's) response meant something like this: 'Lord, You know all things.  You know how I've failed.  You know how I told you that the Cross was not for You because I had better plans for Your life.  You know how I went to sleep when You begged me to watch and pray with You.  You know that I denied even knowing You three times while Your were being brutally treated.  With all the sin and guilt and failure in my life, I just don't dare say I love You.'"  So in a sense, he was kind of saying, "Yes Jesus, I like you a lot."

And then what happened?  Jesus said, "Feed my sheep."  This relationship between Jesus and Peter fascinates me.  I have not yet read an example of Jesus dwelling on what Peter has (or hasn't) done.  When the disciple makes a mess of things Jesus simply states the next step.  No reminders or even agreement of Peter's past actions.  Simply, "Feed my sheep."

Thank you, Lord, for peace in this reminder.  Whatever happened yesterday, whatever happened this morning, whatever happened ten years ago, you can use me still.  You choose to use me still.  You have called me to follow you and to feed your sheep knowing all that has been and all that has happened to me and because of me.  My heart longs to know you more deeply, to love you more fully.  I do love you Jesus.  I cannot change to make you love me.  You already do.  But your love can change me.   And I wait in expectation...

When I Am Wandering...

Sometimes I feel like a wandering sheep.

And maybe Mary Magdalene felt that way after she went to the tomb of her beloved savior only to find that he was no longer there...

She left the tomb to tell the others that Jesus was missing and then returned to the tomb herself where she stood, crying.  What must that walk back to the garden alone have felt like for her?

A suggestion from Just Give Me Jesus today by Anne Graham Lotz: "Her feet must have felt like leaded weights, her heart must have felt as though it were constricted in a vise, and her eyes must have stared glassily ahead without seeing.  The past few hours had commenced so quickly and concluded so suddenly!  So swiftly! So shockingly!  She must have had a huge struggle just adjusting to the surprise of it all.  As she walked, did she look back over the memories of the last few years?  ...Did the old burden of filthy guilt, the old impulse of self-destruction, the old bondage of enslavement by evil come back to her as she trudged to the garden tomb?  Were the sin and memories of her past beginning to cling to her once again like loathsome things?  ...Was she already beginning to feel the loss of her freedom?  With His death, she had no peace and purpose in her life.  She knew without Him she would never be anything other than what she had been-a desperate, hopeless, helpless, hell-bent sinner."

How easy it can be to forget who we are in Christ when we can't see his face.
When we assume he has left us.
When we look and we can't find him and all we want is to sit at his feet and remember how sweet it is just to be near him.

While Mary was crying she saw two angels and a gardener who asked her why she was crying.

An odd question after her savior, her life-changer, her life-giver, her Lord, her heartbeat was beaten, mocked, nailed to a cross, buried, and was now missing from the very tomb these questioners are in!

And then the voice of the gardener came.  "Mary," was all he said and she knew.  She turned to him and cried out "Rabonni!"  Jesus said earlier in John that "the sheep listen to his voice.  He calls his own sheep by name."  And here she was.  Responding to the simple sound of her name by the one who knew her.  And he tells her to go.  And this time she can leave this tomb with hope because he is here and he is alive!

When I feel like I'm wandering, maybe like Mary on her way back to the tomb, and I'm not sure where I should go or who I should talk to or what I should do or why I am even here on this earth because what have I even done and what can I possibly do...

Emily.  One word.  I have a name because I am here, created by his hand.  And maybe he isn't standing here for me to cling to, but his word is here.  His Spirit is here.  If I would only drink it in, cling to it, know it for the purpose of knowing Him more deeply.  And knowing his voice.

Oh Lord, may I block out every voice but yours.  To remember your words, to know your will, and to do it.  When I am wandering, may I remember that you are here, always, and that I am yours.  And  I pray I would always have hope because your life didn't end in the grave and neither will mine.  Thank you Jesus.

Abundance In The Light...

I stay at home with my daughter.  She is so precious.

And funny.

And sweet.

And quick to learn.

And quick to copy.  She copies me.  Talk about accountability.

And while I know that spending time with her is significant I can't help feeling like I'm missing out.  As Josh participates in our church's venture to live out the work of faith in our community this week, I am sitting at home with our daughter.  Feeling like I'm uninvolved.  Not doing my part.  A new season in life for me not being able to go wherever there is a need.

In Just Give Me Jesus today Anne suggests that Nicodemus is looking "...for real life.  Eternal life.  Abundant life," in John 3:1-21.

Is that what I'm still looking for?

Haven't I been born again?  But maybe, like the Israelites, I've taken my eyes off of Jesus and placed them in those familiar places of circumstance,  shortcomings,  of my own ideas of what life should look like.

What, then, does real and abundant and eternal life look like for me today?  If I turn my eyes, my heart, my hands up, what can I see but Jesus and all that he's given?

In chapter 4 verse 21 of John, Jesus says, "But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God."

Do the truth.  Things that can only be done in the light.  Maybe that's all I do today.  Set an example for my mirror-child in the light that she too might live in it and reflect it to others as she grows.  Hasn't he given her to us?  And don't I fill a need by teaching her how to live in the light?  So maybe I'm not missing out and maybe I am doing my part.  Or perhaps definitely.

Then Lord, today, in the hours that are left, let my deeds be done in you, to do the truth and love the light.

You Are Forgivable...

I wish I could copy today's whole chapter of Just Give Me Jesus to share it with anyone who may need a reminder that we are forgivable.  Don't we all need that sometimes?

Pieces of the chapter:
"Judas was one of Jesus' very closest friends.  He had been hand-picked to be a disciple.  He had been given the special responsibility of being treasurer for the entire band of disciples...On a grassy hillside, he had passed out portions of five loaves and two fish until more than five thousand people had been fed. He had been in the boat that was swamped and going down during a storm at sea when Jesus, with just a word, had calmed the raging waves and the wind.  He had been one of those to question callously why the beggar had been born blind, only to watch as Jesus created sight.  He had smelled the odor of death when the tomb of Lazarus had been opened, and he had seen with his own eyes the mummylike figure appear in the gaping hole when Jesus had commanded that he come forth.  As recently as that very evening, he had  had his feet gently and lovingly bathed by Jesus during dinner in the Upper Room. It was this disciple, this Judas, who betrayed his Lord and Friend with a kiss!"

Why did he do it?  I wonder... Don't I betray him with unbelief?  Worry?  Fear?  Selfishness?  Laziness?  Why do I do it?  I wonder that too...

"Peter insisted, 'I don't know the man!'  Yet as he spoke he heard the unmistakable sound of a rooster crowing in the distance.  At that very moment, a commotion in the breezeway got everyone's attention.  With the denial and curses still burning his lips, Peter looked up, right into the eyes of Jesus!
Apparently, Jesus was being led from the house of Caiaphas to the trial before the full Sanhedrin.  Surrounded by the armed officials and self-righteous religious leaders, Jesus stopped.  With a face that was red from having been repeatedly slapped, with blood and spit dripping down His beard, Jesus 'turned and looked straight at Peter.'"

Can you imagine?  Peter had seen the miracles and heard the teaching too, and denied Him.  If I could see the sweet sacrificing face of Jesus looking straight at me would my sinful desires come to fruition?  I think sometimes I forget that though I can't see it, He is here.

Thanks be to God, Peter was given words of encouragement:
"'Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you like wheat.  But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.  And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.'  Peter knew Jesus had known he would deny Him.  Peter knew Jesus had prayed for him.  Peter knew Jesus had said he would turn back and strengthen the other disciples.  And that is what Peter did."
Anne mentions that because Peter's denial is recorded in all four gospels there is a good chance a number of people knew the truth of what happened. And yet, on the day of Pentecost, 3,ooo people were saved as he proclaimed the Gospel.

Two men walked closely with Jesus, and still betrayed him.  One carried that betrayal to his own death.  The other "wept" and sought rightness with God again.  He turned away to strengthen his brothers.  Because of him, people would know Jesus!

No one is alone in sin.  We may think one action or thought is worse than another but we all fall short of the glory of God.  And we are all forgivable.
He is waiting. We need only confess.  Turn away.  And rejoice!  We are made new!

Lord, may our experience be used to strengthen our brothers, and may we remember that we are forgivable!  You made a life-taking life-giving sacrifice so that it could be.  Thank you, praise you, Amen.

To breaking bad habits...

Though it was written in 2000, the questions today from Anne Graham Lotz startled my heart:

"Have you ever considered that you have a divine appointment when you get up early for your quiet time?...That Jesus is patiently, personally waiting to meet with you there?"

Maybe when Jesus was new to me?  Or maybe not so long ago.  Today, it's hard to remember.

"Many people think the greatest sins are murder, adultery, theft, and similar gross acts.  But Jesus said the greatest commandment was to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength.  Could it be the greatest sin is simply not to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength?  If so, think of all the moments of all the the days of all the weeks of all the months of all the years of your life when you have been guilty of the greatest sin of all!"

Oh wretched man that I am!

"What needs correcting in your worship?  Has it been more outward form and ritual than inner desire and love?"

Bingo!

All of this came out of John 4:1-42, the familiar story of Jesus resting at a well and talking to a Samaritan woman.  Whether not loving God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength is the greatest sin isn't the question, but do I?  Do I love him so much that I crave that divine appointment in the early morning as I wake up, or long for time with him in the busyness of my day?  Is he my inner desire and love?

Ulch.  Could I feel any worse knowing my response to these today?  Yes.  I could remain in disgust with myself, focused on my sinfulness, and I could let that spiral until I forget all about who God is because all I can see is me.  Not so much the good, but the bad and the really really ugly.  But Jesus is still giving that living water he offered to that woman.  He's given it to me before and he says it is a well springing up to eternal life!  So, if it is that deep than the supply couldn't have run out.  It must be that I have stopped drinking.  I don't find myself so joyful that I leave my jar at his feet caught up in joy that has filled me completely so that I can't help but run through the street telling everyone else about Him.

I wake up
Write in my journal,
Read a chapter of 1 Peter which is what I'm studying and attempting to memorize at the moment
...and go about my day.
I think about Him and pray as the day goes on, but it's gotten to that place of habit again and who knew habit could be so uncomfortable?

So my prayer today, Lord, is to remember who I was before I received your living water.  And to freshly experience the grace that in knowing all of me, you offered anyway.  Knowing this day would come, you offer it still if I would only take and drink.  Your well springs up to eternal life.  It will never run dry.  So when I do, would you remind me of the joy of your salvation?  Of you, the living water?  And pray that I might love you with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.  My Lord, replace these habits with hunger for you...