When I Am Wandering...

Sometimes I feel like a wandering sheep.

And maybe Mary Magdalene felt that way after she went to the tomb of her beloved savior only to find that he was no longer there...

She left the tomb to tell the others that Jesus was missing and then returned to the tomb herself where she stood, crying.  What must that walk back to the garden alone have felt like for her?

A suggestion from Just Give Me Jesus today by Anne Graham Lotz: "Her feet must have felt like leaded weights, her heart must have felt as though it were constricted in a vise, and her eyes must have stared glassily ahead without seeing.  The past few hours had commenced so quickly and concluded so suddenly!  So swiftly! So shockingly!  She must have had a huge struggle just adjusting to the surprise of it all.  As she walked, did she look back over the memories of the last few years?  ...Did the old burden of filthy guilt, the old impulse of self-destruction, the old bondage of enslavement by evil come back to her as she trudged to the garden tomb?  Were the sin and memories of her past beginning to cling to her once again like loathsome things?  ...Was she already beginning to feel the loss of her freedom?  With His death, she had no peace and purpose in her life.  She knew without Him she would never be anything other than what she had been-a desperate, hopeless, helpless, hell-bent sinner."

How easy it can be to forget who we are in Christ when we can't see his face.
When we assume he has left us.
When we look and we can't find him and all we want is to sit at his feet and remember how sweet it is just to be near him.

While Mary was crying she saw two angels and a gardener who asked her why she was crying.

An odd question after her savior, her life-changer, her life-giver, her Lord, her heartbeat was beaten, mocked, nailed to a cross, buried, and was now missing from the very tomb these questioners are in!

And then the voice of the gardener came.  "Mary," was all he said and she knew.  She turned to him and cried out "Rabonni!"  Jesus said earlier in John that "the sheep listen to his voice.  He calls his own sheep by name."  And here she was.  Responding to the simple sound of her name by the one who knew her.  And he tells her to go.  And this time she can leave this tomb with hope because he is here and he is alive!

When I feel like I'm wandering, maybe like Mary on her way back to the tomb, and I'm not sure where I should go or who I should talk to or what I should do or why I am even here on this earth because what have I even done and what can I possibly do...

Emily.  One word.  I have a name because I am here, created by his hand.  And maybe he isn't standing here for me to cling to, but his word is here.  His Spirit is here.  If I would only drink it in, cling to it, know it for the purpose of knowing Him more deeply.  And knowing his voice.

Oh Lord, may I block out every voice but yours.  To remember your words, to know your will, and to do it.  When I am wandering, may I remember that you are here, always, and that I am yours.  And  I pray I would always have hope because your life didn't end in the grave and neither will mine.  Thank you Jesus.