Love...

Peter denied Jesus three times.  And later, he told him he loved him three times.

For a while now I've had a hard time doing that.  Not because I don't love him, but because I wonder if I really show him that I do.  When you've lived life for yourself and you've failed and fallen countless times isn't it hard to come face to face with the one you feel you've disappointed most?  To ask for grace and forgiveness?  How do you say I love you to someone who took up a cross for you that you aren't willing to carry yourself?

Agape.  The word Jesus was using.  Phileo.  The word Peter used in response.  Agape is a devoted love, phileo is a brotherly love.

I am sad to say that I read the final chapter of Just Give Me Jesus today, but what a powerful and freeing chapter it was for this heart so weary of feeling like I can't live well enough to say, "Jesus, I love you."  Anne says,  "...maybe his (Peter's) response meant something like this: 'Lord, You know all things.  You know how I've failed.  You know how I told you that the Cross was not for You because I had better plans for Your life.  You know how I went to sleep when You begged me to watch and pray with You.  You know that I denied even knowing You three times while Your were being brutally treated.  With all the sin and guilt and failure in my life, I just don't dare say I love You.'"  So in a sense, he was kind of saying, "Yes Jesus, I like you a lot."

And then what happened?  Jesus said, "Feed my sheep."  This relationship between Jesus and Peter fascinates me.  I have not yet read an example of Jesus dwelling on what Peter has (or hasn't) done.  When the disciple makes a mess of things Jesus simply states the next step.  No reminders or even agreement of Peter's past actions.  Simply, "Feed my sheep."

Thank you, Lord, for peace in this reminder.  Whatever happened yesterday, whatever happened this morning, whatever happened ten years ago, you can use me still.  You choose to use me still.  You have called me to follow you and to feed your sheep knowing all that has been and all that has happened to me and because of me.  My heart longs to know you more deeply, to love you more fully.  I do love you Jesus.  I cannot change to make you love me.  You already do.  But your love can change me.   And I wait in expectation...