Moving On: Because I Know I'm Enough

1 John 5:14-15 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us-whatever we ask-we know that we have what we asked of him."

I want to let go of this insecurity that I am not enough.  I have been sulking in it, wondering about it, letting it frustrate me, and letting it keep me from stepping forward in faith.  And I know it's a lie.  But it's a lie with deep roots.

In So Long Insecurity Beth Moore says, "To stir the pot we're drowning in doesn't do anything but intensify the undercurrent and draw us further down."

When I sit and stew, ponder, wish, wonder about this, I'm just stirring the pot.  There are no solutions there.  But I think I'm finally getting ladled out!

This journey of learning about insecurity and fear has broken me open and allowed me to see something new.  I have a whole list of things I'm insecure about and afraid of and they all seem to boil down to this idea that I'm not enough.  My head knows that I am, even my heart knows that I am, but my lifestyle speaks of introverted shyness, fear of failing, and hesitation in doing anything I don't know I can do, and even a lot of things I know I can do.

I've never wanted to really dig into it because it sounds so cliche and I don't want to be a cliche.  But everything seems to take me back to it, frustrating as it is.

I never knew my dad.  It's a pretty common story really,  he chose not to be a part of my life.

There's the root I'm afraid.  I have never been enough since.  I grew up in a happy home loved by my mom and grandparents and surrounded by aunts, uncles, and cousins galore.  But all my actions spoke it:

I was a rule follower.
I was a good student seeking the best marks.
I was nice to my classmates and friends.
I waned to invite the kids no one else wanted to invite to parties.
I tried hard to keep from hurting people's feelings.
I was quiet.
I was a good girl.

Always trying to be enough.

And the roots stretched and deepened:

In elementary school I always walked home with two other friends.  One would always tell me she'd come over to my house after school, but if the other friend invited her, when we got to our place of walking separate ways, she would just keep going.  And there I would be, alone.  Not good enough.  The second choice.

In middle school my friends began experimenting with drinking and having sleepovers with boys.  My rule-following self didn't want to participate.  So again I wasn't good enough.  I didn't do the right things that could keep my friendships going.

In high school I didn't really bother with finding good friends.  What was the point?

My solid friendships came in college as God worked on some major renovations in me.  But even now I wonder what it would take.  What might be the one mistake I'd make to end it?

There have been opportunities for friendships, jobs, ministry, and I have always had the excuse that there must be someone better than me that could do it, so why apply?  Why ask?  Why invest?  Just avoid the rejection instead of taking another blow.

Stir.  Stir.  Stir.

But maybe today I'm finally done.  I don't suddenly feel like enough.  My insecurity hasn't dissolved as I've written this.  My dad never called to find me, my friends haven't called to reconcile or tell me what a mistake they made.  I can't go back to the missed opportunities.

But, isn't it God's will that I live in victory?  Isn't it his will that I accomplish the tasks he set out for me?   Isn't it his will that I serve him?  Serve others?   Hasn't he set me free?

"You knew what You were doing when You formed me in my mother's womb.  Nothing is without purpose.  Nothing has thrown off the plan.  Every gift, challenge, and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny You ordained for me before time began.  Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what You can do through me.  You mean to increase the praise that comes to You because of my life.  You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself conspicuous in me." (From So Long Insecurity)

So Lord, if I pray that my insecurity would stop keeping me from being all You created me to be, you will answer.  Because You are my Father.  All of these things have been good gifts from you.  Gifts that have shaped me and drawn me to You, and to this moment.  And maybe now I can reject the lies that keep me in this safe place, and to have faith that You have something new for me.  To believe that I am enough because You have made me enough.  To trust that when I am rejected in the future, which I'm sure will happen, it doesn't change who I am in You.  To put my effort not in pleasing people, but in knowing You deeply and walking in step with the Holy Spirit.  That my fear wouldn't lead, but You would.  I pray for a new season.  That I wouldn't keep stirring the pot and coming back to this same place.  Make this the last time I sit here to roost on fear and insecurity.  That all I write about in the future would contain hope and encouragement.  As you work in me, I pray others would see your word and praise you and move forward too.  I receive it Lord!  And I'm looking forward to what's in store...